After intensive research using big data, cloud computing, and other jargony-sounding things that make research sound more impressive, I have a pile of information left over from the original Hipster Personality Test. It spawned the Bro Personality Test and now it is going to hit home pretty hard with the Knife Knut Personality Test.
1 Point for a "Yes" Answer:
1. Have you ever purchased the exact same knife as your current carry solely for upgraded steel?
2. Do you have a knife specifically for "church" carry? Atheist alternative: Do you have a knife for carry when wearing formal wear?
3. Do you subscribe to random people's IG feed solely for images of knives?
4. Have you ever scheduled calendar event for a new knife release?
5. Do you well up with tears when relatives sharpen knives on an electric powered "grinder sharpener" they store in their kitchen?
5 Points for a "Yes" Answer:
1. Have you considered slipping in your favorite knife brand name into one of your children's names as a second middle name?
2. Is the MSRP of your glove box knife over $100?
3. Do you cringe when someone references their knife as having "surgical steel?"
4. Do you believe that assisted opening knives are for hoi polloi (and regularly use this phrase online when referencing owners of assisted knives)?
5. Do you have more photos of knives on your phone than family members?
10 Points for a "Yes" Answer:
1. Do you have three or more generations of knife purchases where all the previous generation knife did was open packages of new knives?
2. Have you used phrases like "follow his work," "he has a unique style," and "he has matured as a maker" in reference to custom knife makers?
3. Have you considered using a knife brand name as your child's FIRST name (after all, you reason, Kizer and Kershaw could pass for weirdo Pottery Barn kid names)?
4. Have you ever used a pocket clip to attach your knife to your pajama pants/shorts ?
5. Is Arthur Laffer more famous to you for being Justin's Dad than his economic theories?
1,000,000 Points for a "Yes" Answer:
1. Do you run a website that reviews knives?
1-10 Points: Knife Dabbler
You can stop whenever you want, no need to swing by that strip shopping center with a cigar store that might sell knives.
11-50 Points: Knife Fiend
Its pretty bad, your knife addiction. You love the smell of Chris Reeve's flurionated compund and you have your knife purchases planned out 6 months in advance. Its probably hopeless. Probably.
51-100 Points: Full blown Knife Knut
The DSM V might have just come out, but the Revised version will have a new diagnosis for knife knut and your picture will be in the book.
1,000,000+ Points: Knife Lunacy
Honestly, this where it starts to get scary. Friends that don't know you think your a psycho for having so many knives and friends that do know you think you are a psycho for spending more on knives than you did on an education.
Well, you know how I scored.