I have a knife I wanted for a long time on its way and I am, of course, excited in a way only knife knuts can be. But we have all been there. A knife is ordered. The confirmation email has come in. And now the wait, the knife vigil (cultro vigilia), begins. In this most scared time of waiting, how do you occupy your mind? Here is a quick guide.

Preparing for the Arrival

You have, of course, watched YouTube reviews and read written ones, if they even exist, before your purchase. You may have enjoyed the dulcet tones of Nick Shabazz or the hilarious musings of Cedric and Ada or the precise and nerdy insights of Knife Nerdery (have you seen Kevin’s video on detents…holy moley). But now, craving the actual thing, you might watch them again or just type in the knife’s name into YouTube and see whatever junk floats to the top. Video in Bulgarian about my knife in waiting? Da. Tiktok where the knife appears on the desk of someone providing instructions about the application of fingernail polish? Oh, I am in. An Instagram reel about the Temu knockoff of the knife? Sure, why not. If you are in this stage of your waiting, maybe just go back to the known quantities and see what they have to say.

Acts of Contrition

If you are like me you only have a meager budget for gear and so when you spend a lot in one place, it is worthwhile to see what else you could have spent it on. I have a running list of stuff, gear and non gear, so its a pretty lengthy examination. I want and have wanted for two decades now, a real, oak, Barrister’s Bookcase (especially this one, which combines the two favorite things of a lawyer: books and booze). But the space bucks account can’t tolerate much more than the purchase of a 6” sub from Subway, so you apologize to yourself and think that next time you have a few bucks in the space bucks account you will buy something other than a knife. HAHAHAHAHA, self-deception is a powerful thing.

Doing Penance

Its dawned on you that you have spent nearly all of your space bucks account on something smaller than a mouse that you already have dozens of versions of and now you think perhaps, though, in the end, not really, it is time to shrink your knife collection. You might even start organizing a few into a “sale” bin. You want to wait until the new knife arrives, so you can see “where it fits in your collection” before you sell anything, but the reality is, you aren’t going to sell a gosh darn knife, because, after all, you are a knife collector.

Doubt of the Faithless

After a few days into the knife vigil, perhaps after a check of the tracking data (side note: I think the verb for “checking tracking” should be to trackage…that is to track a package). that shows the knife is only listed as “in transit” you start thinking of other knives and notice that there is a Vosteed you have had your eyes on that is next day delivery on Amazon. While I have had more than one knife in transit at once, it feels extra gluttonous, like when you put mashed potatoes on pizza. Fortunately for you, faith is strong and you resist temptation.

Veneration of the Saints

Well, this new knife, this knife you have been pining for for more than a year, is, you know for sure, going to be a classic. Where will it rank among knives you own. Will it be better than your Sebenza? What about your current flavor of the week favorite? Can it kick the Dragonfly 2 out of your pocket? These are questions that you contemplate with eagerness, knowing that the answers will be almost immediately apparent.

I hoped this helped. At least it gives you something to do as the wait can be excruciating, but like with food and sex, sometimes the build up is the best part. As for me, the vigil is over. I received notification that the knife will be at home for me when I get there at the end of the work week. Send up the white smoke.