Monday, December 5, 2016

Everyday Objects Described in Silly Gear Company Ad Copy

The second post of the week will tabulate winners for the Fisher House giveaway.  Its a lot of bookkeeping, so until then enjoy this frivolous post.

Of all the industries in the world car ads are by far the most insulting.  The blowhard bullshit ad copy would have an alien convinced that a Hyundai goes fast, sips fuel, and scores you a cabin full of chicks.  But gear ad copy is not far behind in terms of layers of crap.  For more baloney than a kids cafeteria see the companies listed below.

Object: Umbrella
Company: Best Made

Man's best friend against the elements. This umbrella was made by the oldest umbrella manufacturer in Slovenia and our team traveled there in-person to appreciate the fine points of handmaking artisanal umbrellas (that is, we took a photographer with us and watched other people do work while standing around stroking our three month old beards). From the brass fittings on the handle to the hand-dyed waxed cotton fabric of the upper, this umbrella is made the same way it has been since the Slovenian factory opened in 1917. In fact, Ury Gleshnev, owner of the factory and son of the founder, oversees every element of the construction of these fine tools, as he has for the last 59 years. If you need an umbrella to last you a lifetime and want to be able to pass down heirloom tools to your children (because that is exactly what people want when their parents die--old shit), then you need to come with us on a journey of discovery in to the world of umbrella construction.

Retail Price (that you think it will be when reading the copy): $179.95
Actual Retail Price: $685.95

Object: Corkscrew
Company: Cold Steel

If you have seen our latest video Absolute Mother Fucking Proof, you know the power that is concealed within this simple object. While it can behead capped bottles and gut wine corks with ease, its the self-defense features that make the Skull Crusher Corkscrew a Cold Steel product. Equipped with a PPE handle, which resists cracking, warping, splitting, and rot, it is designed to provide comfort and a sure grip even when your hands are covered in blood or wine or both. The Skull Crusher's fluted screw tip digs into cork and human flesh with like they are butter. And in a reverse grip the twist/bottle opener acts as a blunt weapon so that you can repel attackers as they pillage your picnic. If you have found yourself unarmed in a park while sipping Chardonnay with a loved one you owe it to them and yourself to be prepared for any danger with the Skull Crusher Corkscrew. Finally, just to make sure there is no possibility of collapse during the heat of battle, the screw is held in place by the Tri-Ad lock which Lynn Thompson personally designed with some small inputs from Andrew Demko (who really didn't do all that much, because, well its LYNN FUCKING THOMPSON and he is an amazing jack of all trades, handsome guy, athletic 10th degree black belt, amazing shot, my boss, and the editor of this ad copy).

Retail Price: $34.95 (sold out of our Arizona Office Only)

Object: Office Chair with Wheels
Company: Fenix

In-joy State of Art comfort as you work. This chair features seven smoothing run casters that allow you to pivot and roll around as you switch from desk to desk in you're office. The twin side levers allow you to addjust the height of seat and of the position of the back. Too padded armrests let you take a break from typing. All of the surface have memory foam and is covered in top grain leather.

Made in Guangdong China. Ad copy by Google Translate.

Object: Step Stool
Company: Benchmade

Using state of the art, high precision machinery, Benchmade brings you this latest addition to its line up--the Pine Step Stool. Taking what we have learned for years of producing knives we have added features to the Step Stool that made it both more complicated than it needed to be and less sturdy. We have also added, for no apparent reason, an Axis lock to the Step Stool. This Step Stool is the first of a wave of different sized step stools, all with Axis locks, that are part of the Benchmade Stand line. We will discontinue this line in two years and integrate them back into our main brand. Oh, and the "h" in Benchmade Stand is a little step stool. Wasn't that clever of us?

Retail Price: $179.95
Retail Price of a simpler, sturdier Cherry or Maple Step Stool from Spyderco's Step Stool line: $49.95

Object: Door Knob
Company: ZT

Go Bold.

Open Doors.

That's what you get when you go with the Zero Tolerance ZT014DKGB. The ZT014DKGB is a factory custom collaboration between Zero Tolerance and Rick Hinderer. It features state-of-the-art high impact glass surrounded by a geared brass collar and attached to your door with purple anodized screws. We are announcing the ZT014DKGB here today, but you will need to wait a week for another spammy email to tell you where you can buy the ZT014DKGB. And it will be a limited edition, in the sense that the purple anodized screws will only be available in this run. We have seven more runs of this exact same product ready to go, all with different colored anodized screws. So, yeah, its a limited edition.

Price: $500 (and there will be no variation or discount because we have somehow circumvented federal laws and regulations on price fixing).


  1. Nice work Tony. I believed the first one and actually went to Cold Steel's site to check out the corkscrew. I guess sometimes April 1 comes on Dec 6th!

  2. Thanks for the laugh, Tony. This was really good!

  3. Damn it, Tony, you seriously got me up till Benchmade "more complicated and less sturdy". I was on the Best Made Co site looking for an umbrella!

  4. Not so far fetched: the Brigg umbrella can be yours for $602:

  5. Priceless! like just about everyone else, you had me going until the Spyderco stool was mentioned.

    1. It's a gift that keeps on giving. I just saw the little bit Tony snuck in about Benchmade expensive pine versus Spyderco maple and cherry. Well-played.

  6. I definitely looked for the corkscrew on the cold steel website. That seems oddly plausible for them to release, especially the part about Lynn being scared of picnic ninjas

  7. A stool with an axis lock?? You're killing us!! Thanks for the laughter! Is this where the industry is going? Hope not! Season greetings from Greece!

  8. Late to the party, but had a bunch of laughs here!

  9. I went to the custom shop hoping to get different colored legs on the step stool so I could have one off