Monday, September 28, 2015

The .Alt Recommendations

On occasion my evil twin takes control of my email and answers incoming gear recommendation questions and comments.  I have gathered them together to show you how big an a-hole I, err, I mean, he, can be.  Here goes:

Q: I want a great EDC knife.

Q: I want a great EDC knife that is a little bigger.  
A: Try the Benchmade 940-1.

Q: I want a great hard use folder.  
A: Try a fixed blade.  No, seriously try a Bark River Lil Creek in 3V
Q: You weren't paying attention, I want a hard use FOLDER.  
A: I was paying attention.  I don't think hard use folders are a good idea, but if you really insist, look at the Spyderco Paramilitary 2 in M390, CTS 204P, S35VN, or Elmax.  

Q: I want a cheap hard use folder.  
A: Try the Becker Necker or ESEE Candiru.  
A: Look up the Cold Steel Recon 1 in CTS-XHP.

Q: I want a traditional folder.
Q: I did, its not available.  
A:  Patience Grasshopper.
Q: You're a condescending A-hole.
A:  I would recommend the Tom's Choice Barlow, but that's even harder to find.  Try the Case Copperhead or Swayback Gent.  

Q: I want a traditional folder, but I like modern conveniences.
A: That's an AG Russell Medium Barlow, my friend.

Q: I want a big chopper.
A: You need a Ka Bar BK9.


Q: I want a high end big chopper.
A: Lobby Ka Bar with me to make a 3V BK9 with micarta scales and a nice sheath.  Or try a Bark River Bravo of appropriate length.  Also look at the TRC Apocalypse. And watch Andrew's video.  
Q: I thought you'd recommend a Busse.  
A: I though you'd like a sheath. And something that has a good cutting edge.

Q: I want a good camp knife.
A: Get a Fallkniven F1z.  It weights less than many high end folders.
Q: What about a Mora?
A: Get a Fallkniven F1z.  It weights less than many high end folders.


Q: I want a light knife.
A: Go for an Al Mar Ultralight Hawk.
Q: That's too heavy.
A: Cut off your toothbrush handle and remove a few more soup can labels.
Q: You are infuriating.  
A: Try the Fallkniven Bear. 

Q: I want a fun flipper.
A: Try the Kizer Ki3404 or the Lionsteel G10 TRE.
Q: Merica!
A: The Skyline is bitchin', and the ZT0450 is decent once you figure out how to hold it JUST RIGHT. 

Q: I want a classy knife, something I can take to church.
A: You realize the idea of "church knife" means two things--one, you have too many knives and two, you have run out of real reasons to buy knives.  
Q: Can you answer my fucking question?
A: Okay, try the Chris Reeve Mnandi.

Q: Should I buy a Sebenza?
A: Yes. 
Q: Really?
A: Yes, or a Mnandi.  Its nicer and looks like its worth the extra money, while the Sebenza looks pretty plain--workman-like, blue collar, but at white collar prices.

Q: I want a folding knife with a 4 inch blade.  Any recommendations?
A: Stop compensating.  
Q: God, your a dick.
A: Spyderco Military.

Q: I want to give a knife as a present, any recommendations?
A: You know your family will think you are a weirdo, right?
Q: I read your site, they already know I am a weirdo.
A: Touche.  How about a CRKT Drifter?  Its a great starter knife and if the person stows it in a drawer you'll be out a coupla subs from Subway.

Q: Everything you recommend is really expensive.  Do you like anything cheap?
A: Gas.

Q: [In Simpsons Comic Book Guy voice] Um, hello, you claimed that the lumens output on the Gen. 2 S10 Baton runnning a 3.7V 18350 and using an XM-L2 emitter is 880 lumens.  Don't you know that is impossible, from a purely theoretical electrical engineering perspective?  
A: Ya got me chief.  I use manufacturer specs.

Q: You said in an article you wrote that the human eye can't perceive the jump from 500 lumens to 510 lumens. But I can.  
A: Science says you can't.
Q: But I can.
A: Sorry bub, not possible.
Q: Nope, I can see it every time.  I have better than 20/20 vision.
A: This isn't a matter of eye sight accuracy.  Your brain cannot perceive such slight increases in light output.
Q: Mine can.
A: Congratulations, you found your X-Men ability. Its not as cool as claws and healing factor, but you found it.

Q: Why don't you like piece of gear X?
A: [Lists a long set of detailed points based on the experience that comes from systematically reviewing more than 250 pieces of gear].
Q: You're an idiot. You fucking fan boy.
A: Oh, and by the way, I saw your video where you explain that this is your first knife.  You are so smart, listing the specs and reading the sticker on the box to the camera.  Can you show me how to do that?

Q: Why don't you like piece of gear X that has been superhyped by the manufacturer and has only been released for two days?
A: I just got it, so I can't say for sure, but it has a 2 inch blade, a 15 inch handle, and weighs 9 pounds.  
Q: God you are an idiot. It is for use in this specialized martial arts that three people with male pattern baldness practice including myself.  It makes an excellent EDC.
A: Listen, Lynn Thompson, your ridiculous ad copy isn't going to change my mind.
Q: I am not Lynn Thompson.
A: Boop your dead.

Q: I want your opinion on the new MegaCock OPMT.
A: It looks like a waste of money.
Q: I just bought it from the maker in a lottery on Instagram.  It only cost me $495.  It is awesome.
A: You know it is just a piece of flat bar stock with a hook on the edge to open bottles.
Q: Yes, but it is made of adamantium and has a tumbled finish.  That's a lot of work, craftsmanship, and time.
A: You know it took more time to post it on Instagram than it did to make it.
Q: But I can sell it for $600.
A: Awesome, there are at least two people that prove that medical science has thwarted the process of natural selection.

Q: What do you think of my custom knife I just got?
A: It looks like a turd with a flipper tab.
Q: No, no, no...that is acid washed zirconium.  It just has finger scallops.
A: Its hideous.
Q: You don't understand the custom knife scene.
A: Here, Jim Jones gave me this recipe for very delicious Kool-Aid.


  1. This made me chuckle. Especially the "boop, you're dead."

    Keep fighting the good fight.

  2. Very entertaining read. Thanks for the laughs.

  3. You should let your evil twin write more often. He's entertaining as hell.

  4. Can I send some of my emails your way to answer? =)


    P.S. I didn't see any other option but to use my TG G+ profile for commenting. Slight bummer.

  5. Hilarious, especially the church knife comment!

  6. Hilarious, especially the church knife comment!

  7. Ha! Good stuff.
    I actually do have a serious question though. Your "recommendation" for a hard-use folder is the PM2. Your review of the Manix 2 LW says that one is better. Every time I decide between the two to put on the to-buy list I second-guess it. Is there a more definitive answer?

  8. This was really fun to read and I learned about a few great knives.

    It also put a smile on my face to see the Bear Claw get a shout out. I love that little knife.

  9. YOOOO where's the chill πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ One of my favorite articles you've posted, love the snarky asshole in ya

  10. Thank you Tony, for being the way you are.

  11. After a tough day, thanks for giving me a laugh :)

  12. This is awesome and informative! Your evil twin should post more articles!

  13. Not only funny but good advice too.

  14. This was thoroughly entertaining and informative. You had me laughing at the "I read your site, they already know I am a weirdo" bit. My wife would agree wholeheartedly, except that she doesn't read your site to know you said that. Thanks for the laughs.