Friday, August 1, 2014

The Hipster Test

Worried that I might be a hipster I did some research and after a good meta-analysis of the topic I have distilled what I have learned into this very useful Hipster Detection Test.

Category I (A "yes" answer to any of these questions is worth 1 point)

1. Do you have a mustache in a month of the year other than November and are not a member of law enforcement (there is a fascinating legal and cultural reason for the mustache--law enforcement connection leading back to a famous Supreme Court case)?

2. Do you own a Newsies-style hat?

3. Have you received your first non-military tattoo in the last seven years?

4. Do you have thick black frame glasses?   

5. Do you find pot bellies slightly attractive, especially if the person has legs that are wrist-skinny?

Category II (A "yes" answer to any of these questions is worth 3 points)

1. Did you discover Filson in the last five years?

2. Do you own a pair of jeans that tapers towards the ankle?

3. Do you wear wrist bands of any kind other than a watch?

4. Do you like the look of a vintage "Woody" Jeep?

5. Have you participated in any of the following: Tough Mudder, Spartan Race, or any other torture/endurance race?

Category III (A "yes" answer to any of these questions is worth 5 points)

1. Do you like craft beer?

2. Do you have a beard longer than two inches?

3. Do you regularly ride on a fixed-gear bike?

4. Do you consider city parks the great outdoors?

5. Do you occassionally not shower for more than two days in a row while sleeping in a normal bed (i.e. mattress and boxsprings)?

Category IV (A "yes" answer to any of these questions is worth 1,000,000 points)

1. Have you ever purchased any of the following: an axe with a brightly colored painted handle, an extension cord covered in cloth, a tool box that is painted red and costs $75, a Sebenza at more than MSRP, or any item colored "Famous Red."

Score Guide:

0-5 points: The Hipster stink is about you, be careful.  You can still turn this around.  Go to Target and buy a cheap digital watch.  

6-10 points: Quick!  There is a flea market with vintage stuff on Sunday morning in the large city near you.  You can pass in both normal and Hipster society without much notice. 

11-20 points: Full fledged Hipster.  Your handsewn, horween leather wallet is on its way with pocket chain attached.

21-1,000,000: Its over, you have made it to Level 10, Elite Hipster status.  As Andrew would say, buy some mustache wax and sit in the mustache growing chair at Best Made's New York store.  

Just so you know, I scored a 5.  I like craft beer.  I like bourbon better, but that just makes me a redneck.  Oh man, which is worse: redneck or hipster?  Time to do some more research.


  1. Can you elaborate on the mustache supreme court case?

    I scored 8. Barely missed out on/dodged the Hipster bullet.

    1. The US Supreme Court considered police facial hair restrictions in Kelley v. Johnson, 425 US 238 (1976). As something of a middle ground in many CBAs, the outright ban on facial hair was modified to a ban on beards and long sideburns but not on mustaches.

  2. I hope buying my special CF Sebenza from KnifeArt doesn't screw me over.

    1. Knife knut, not hipster. Its buying the regular sebenza at OVER MSRP that earns you the 1,000,000 points.

  3. Holy F I got a 9. Fondness for craft beer bit me. But I like wine way more than beer, so I choose to identify instead as a yuppie. Please respect my self-definition.

    It might be gently contended that anyone who would produce the Nilte Quiete from their pocket in a public place is either a hipster or some outdoorsy or tinkerer-type subspecies of metro. ;)

    Hard to answer your Q about redneck vs. hipster. It's kind of a high vs low standard deviation thing. Rednecks vary a lot more widely than hipsters. The cool ones are pretty awesome, though.

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  5. I scored 19. Crap. Guess I better go buy those Mumford and Sons concert tickets.

    Other questions:

    1. Have you ever worn a piece of clothing, played a song, or purchased any sort of artwork primarily for it's "irony?" (3 points)

    2. Do you feel a constant need to remind people that you were "into" any aspect of pop culture "before it was cool?" (5 points)

    3. Have you set your smartphone or tablet display to be all sepia-toned in a vintage, steampunk-y way? (10 points)

    4. Does your Christmas wish list include a home-brew kit, beard oil, mustache wax, and/or a 12 pack of PBR? (100 points)

    5. Have you moved to Brooklyn in the past year because it's "the New So-Ho," even though you, yourself, have no artistic talent whatsoever? (1000 points)

  6. I scored 6 points. One for the facial hair and 5 for yummy craft beer.
    Not only am I not a hipster I may also be a bit out of touch hehehe.
    What is a "newsies" hat?
    What or who is a Filson?
    I have a mustache all year long and add a beard in the winter but it drops to -30f or more without the wind chill where I live in Northern NY.
    I like craft beer and my jeans do not
    At 59 I've seen and been through a lot of styles...even had a perm a dufus...bell bottoms in the 60's...nehru jackets...thick soled shoes...etc.

    Oh and only pussies ride a fixty...

  7. I was surprised and disappointed that you did not award at least 50 points to "Do you ever worry that you might be a hipster?" in your Hipster Detection Test.

  8. You can substitute PBR for craft beer. Hipsters like tall boys, label facing out.

  9. Lol not a fan of best made eh? I concur.

  10. I scored one point for the first question. I have been a Filson customer for more than 30 years, but I no longer buy Filson's indestructible products. Filson customer service and the quality of their products are superb, but the prices are too high. Filson routinely raises prices year after year on products that haven't changed in years.

  11. 6 points for thick black glasses and craft beer. Can I deduct points since I am an LEO without a mustache?

  12. Sailing a bit close to the wind by making fun of others ridiculous gear choices, aren't we?

    1. I thought I was sailing directly toward that wind. My real issue isn't with that gear but it's over MSRP pricing.

    2. Ouch, I guess I'm definitely a hipster because I recently bought a couple BG42 Regular Sebenzas for way above original MSRP?

  13. Whew! I scored an 5 for craft beer... I dodged some bullets here for the three most hipster-like qualities I possess:

    -Home roasting coffee and the careful, loving preparation of it
    -Shaving with a straight razor
    -An unnatural affinity for plaid

  14. I have only done a GORUCK Challenge. Which doesn't make you a hipster, although it does make you stupider and happier.

  15. Best Made has fascinated me from the beginning. Another example of a ballsy markup is for the Higo; $65! The same knife without the branding can be had for >20. They also recently started selling long K&M brass match cases (they call it a stow-away capsule) for a %49 markup. Then there is the $180 Davy Lamp, who's equivalent can be found at Garett Wade for $48. BM seems to be really good at creating a mystique around their brand and the items they sell, which is necessary I guess if you have less than a few original designs to offer. Anyone who is truly interested in gear is probably immune to the strategy...but I can see how it is totally compelling to the point of convulsive impulse purchase for any hipster....FULL DISCLOSURE: I lived in Williamsburg Brooklyn WAY before it was, wait...D'OH!

  16. meh, I got a 2. The old Jeep Wagoneers are cool and sometimes I won't shower for two days on the weekends because I can be lazy as all hell. Thank you Jeebus that I didn't score any higher. The redneck test could be dangerous, though...