Sunday, September 15, 2013

EDC's Public Enemy #1

You might think that it would be an unscrupulous gear maker or some crazy law banning anything other than a toothpick, but, in my mind EDC's public enemy #1 is leaps and bounds worse than those two culprits. EDC's #1 enemy is...

Gym shorts.

They are already incredibly unflattering, making the most disgusting part of the male anatomy even worse, like a change purse tied around your waste. They are dumpy looking too. Nothing brings you closer to that bum-at-grocery-store look than a pair of gym shorts. I love that they are silky and light, and they do actually work in the gym (though they collect odors like Aaron collects framelock flippers), but beyond that they are useless.

First, most have no pockets at all.  This is a cardinal sin.  Listen, a-hole that designed gym shorts, if I wanted to walk around with no pockets, I'd go naked.  If I have pants or shorts of any kind on, I want them to have some freakin' pockets.  Seriously, the more pockets the better.  My TAD shorts have about a dozen pockets (meaning the shorts cost roughly $10 per pocket).  Even worse, those gym shorts that do come with a pocket, have a pocket is usually so tiny that it can only hold change.  Great, now I have TWO things hanging from my body that look like change purses.  You can't put a knife in there or a flashlight, let alone both.

Then there is the material itself.  Its great for gettin' sweaty in a gym that smells like BO from the 70s, and they are passable as jammies in the summer time (thanks to their aforementioned silkiness), but that material is awful for EDC purposes. It is too thin to clip anything to.  I can't even consider clipping my smallest knife, a Fox Cutlery Spyfox, on to my shorts.  Sad, it is a beautiful piece (new camera with insane details alert):

P1000023

Imagine if I were one of those folks that insisted that a Darrel Ralph Mad Maxx was an EDC blade?  Change purse and a pitched tent, awesome.

Finally, there is the hair scrunchy waist band.  What the hell is up with that?  Nothing clips on to that.  Nothing.  Gym shorts are worse than no pockets.  They are no pockets AND no waist band. Gym shorts are basically Anti-EDC, in the same way that Osama Bin Laden was Anti-American.  And I can't stand either of them.

Gym shorts are basically what I would wear if I were to become EDC Amish and wanted forego all of the convenience and man-toy fixation of our shared passion.  And seeing as I have probably written half a million words on the subject in two and half years, its unlikely that I will go EDC Amish.  Finally, I am probably like a lot of you--I want to exercise OUTSIDE.  I want to be "gettin' physical" on the side of a mountain with a great view, not rubbin' elbows and get pit hair in my face playing in a winter basketball league where everyone has those cyborg knee braces because they are all forty-two year olds playing basketball with the grace and athleticism of elephant seals.

Or maybe I am crazy and I shouldn't have written this hopefully funny, obviously jokey post.  

But for real, I hate gym shorts.  

18 comments:

  1. Word. I don't own any gym shorts. Even my swim trunks have roomy front pockets and a waist sturdy enough to clip a Dragonfly to or something.

    If you really want to open up a can of worms, consider how abysmal most women's clothing is for EDC purposes. It makes me sad to realize The Man won't even give my wife some real pockets.

    I guess the reasoning is that most women carry a purse, so they can just toss their entire EDC in there.

    Query whether that's an adequate answer.

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  2. Does seem out of character for you. But I had a bad Friday the 13th....bike was stolen, then I was attacked by two pit bulls while out looking for it on another bike. No knife, no gun, only a flashlight. My Fenix E01. No help there.
    Police no help as usual--only get out of their car to eat. You can add your own donut jokes.
    So you are forgiven for this article...of clothing...post.
    Keep up the good work otherwise.

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    Replies
    1. Police no help? Maybe it was that your stolen bike ranks low on priority, or your clearly shitty attitude. They don't get out of the car except to eat? I know several who got out of the car long enough to get shot, and many more who got out long enough to be attacked with fists, bats, or other weapons. So, to sum up, you can take your plithy comments and choke on them. 8)

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  3. What's good in tracking stolen bike technology today?
    Anybody up on such gadgets ???

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  4. They do make gps trackers small enough that you could take off the seat and affix it to the inside of the frame. Thing is you would have to keep that sucker running all the time and they eat up batteries damn fast. A good lock is a pretty solid detterant. [Or just do what I do and never get off your bike (unless it's to eat)]

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  5. When I go running in gym/running shorts I clip on my Spyderco Dragonfly 2 inside the waistband...no problems whatsoever.

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  6. I think the worse thing to happen to EDC is guys being so OCD they need to carry kit while at the gym! What exactly would you need to cut, while working out, at the gym??

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    Replies
    1. You obviously didn't read the last paragraph. Don't worry, he had me going too.

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    2. I don't take any gear to the gym...but if I'm going for a run, especially at night, I like to have my DF2 with me. You may laugh if you think you can defend yourself with a DF2, but I'd rather have that little ergonomic blade than nothing in a pinch.

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    3. As someone who now works out at home rather than the gym, it is no longer an issue. However, I would bike to the gym from my house. My gym shorts had two decently deep pockets. The issue is I couldn't comfortably carry my keys, my wallet, or my phone (which contains my music). The slick nature of the material would result in all three materials sliding out of my pockets. None of those are tactical use items, but I couldn't use them. Eventually I just took my membership card and left it at that, but that's an imperfect solution.

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  7. Totally agree.

    Now I just clip my knife on the waistband [so it's between my undergarment and the shorts]. My keychain still poses a problem, but I just toss them in the pocket and NGAF anymore.

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  10. I make clips out of coat hanger wire that work great and clip to any type of material. They look like the Leo symbol in the zodiac and I've not had any rust issues in 20 years. Keys, knives and wallet have them and nothing has ever been lost since. At the very worst you can always use [gasps of horror] a fanny pack

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