They are already incredibly unflattering, making the most disgusting part of the male anatomy even worse, like a change purse tied around your waste. They are dumpy looking too. Nothing brings you closer to that bum-at-grocery-store look than a pair of gym shorts. I love that they are silky and light, and they do actually work in the gym (though they collect odors like Aaron collects framelock flippers), but beyond that they are useless.
First, most have no pockets at all. This is a cardinal sin. Listen, a-hole that designed gym shorts, if I wanted to walk around with no pockets, I'd go naked. If I have pants or shorts of any kind on, I want them to have some freakin' pockets. Seriously, the more pockets the better. My TAD shorts have about a dozen pockets (meaning the shorts cost roughly $10 per pocket). Even worse, those gym shorts that do come with a pocket, have a pocket is usually so tiny that it can only hold change. Great, now I have TWO things hanging from my body that look like change purses. You can't put a knife in there or a flashlight, let alone both.
Then there is the material itself. Its great for gettin' sweaty in a gym that smells like BO from the 70s, and they are passable as jammies in the summer time (thanks to their aforementioned silkiness), but that material is awful for EDC purposes. It is too thin to clip anything to. I can't even consider clipping my smallest knife, a Fox Cutlery Spyfox, on to my shorts. Sad, it is a beautiful piece (new camera with insane details alert):
Imagine if I were one of those folks that insisted that a Darrel Ralph Mad Maxx was an EDC blade? Change purse and a pitched tent, awesome.
Finally, there is the hair scrunchy waist band. What the hell is up with that? Nothing clips on to that. Nothing. Gym shorts are worse than no pockets. They are no pockets AND no waist band. Gym shorts are basically Anti-EDC, in the same way that Osama Bin Laden was Anti-American. And I can't stand either of them.
Gym shorts are basically what I would wear if I were to become EDC Amish and wanted forego all of the convenience and man-toy fixation of our shared passion. And seeing as I have probably written half a million words on the subject in two and half years, its unlikely that I will go EDC Amish. Finally, I am probably like a lot of you--I want to exercise OUTSIDE. I want to be "gettin' physical" on the side of a mountain with a great view, not rubbin' elbows and get pit hair in my face playing in a winter basketball league where everyone has those cyborg knee braces because they are all forty-two year olds playing basketball with the grace and athleticism of elephant seals.
Or maybe I am crazy and I shouldn't have written this hopefully funny, obviously jokey post.
But for real, I hate gym shorts.